EPISODE IV: THE DRIVERS’ LICENSE RENEWAL

(True Story)

Time to renew your Drivers license? Make sure you were not born in Africa, even though you lived in this country for 45 years and are a nationalized American citizen, and your original citizenship was/is European.
The Episode format, which is what you will read from now on in this saga of stupidities, is a dialog between the “by-the-book character” and the frustrated consumer. In this episode we’ll call the person renewing his drivers license PRL, and the person examining him DLE (drivers license employee).

DLE: Moses! (I wonder how many in the room got shaken up!
Thank God it wasn’t repeated twice…Moses… Moses!)

PRL: Moses Garcia?

DLE: Yes...over here. Did you bring your American
passport and Social Security card?

PRL: Yes, here they are…

DLE: Where were you born? (As if the passport did not show it)

PRL: In Tunisia, Africa (very important to mention the continent, as
knowledge of world geography in the USA is apparently non existent).

DLE: Are you a registered voter?

PRL: ?????? (I must admit I was totally taken by this irrelevant question,
considering that the previous question did not make any sense either).
Yes,I registered a few years ago as an African-American.She looked at me
in disbelief as I am whiter than talcum powder. But since I was born in
Africa and I am now American I must be an African-American, or not? I was
waiting for the question to follow this one,such as…Republican or Democrat?
But it did not happen. I guess everything has a limit and she was probably
still digesting my African-American registration)

DLE: In case of emergency…who should be contacted?(So far the only relevant
question!)

PRL: (I gave her the name of my wife, and the address, and even her cellular
number). ICE… my wife...Esther

DLE: Her first name is ICE?

PRL: Oh, no. I’m sorry; I was reading her cell number from my cell. I can’t
remember it by heart! You know…ICE means In Case of Emergency.
(I guess she still did not understand and my wife name in their records
is now ICE ESTHER.That is definitely not going to improve my ”social” life
with her if she finds out I called her ICE.

DLE: Read the entire 4th line in front of you

PRL: XLVE BRTY….

DLE: You left the right side…

PRL: Sorry! (I can’t read it! It’s so blurry! I pull out my reading glasses and
put them on, Nothing! It’s even worse!)

DLE: Did you wear prescription glasses before?

PRL: Yes, but that was corrected when I had my cataracts operation. These
glasses are only for reading at home, but they don’t work here. Let me try
again without them. (Like lightning I think so fast I tilt my head to the
right and look with my left eye only. It works!)….. PZNC!
(She did not even bother to find out why I was not wearing glasses to
drive. I do wear them at night! I guess the Patriot Act enforcement is
more important than causing a traffic accident)

DLE: Do you swear that everything you have said is true?

PRL: I do. (Except for my need to wear glasses at night. But I’ve been told
never to volunteer to ad lib if the question has not been asked...except
for my African-American curve).

DLE: Stand back and look at the camera. Smile. (I could not smile so I thought
of something ridiculous, such as this test/interrogation and almost
cracked!)OK. Take a seat until we call you.

PRL: (I obey as a way to show acceptance of my role as a sheep in this case, and
wait for 5 minutes…pretty good, I must admit!. They call my “Muslim” name
MOSES, and equally “Muslim” last name GARCIA. They hand me my new
Drivers License; good for 6 years.)

I believe I owe an explanation for my sarcasm. When you are born in the United States, you are an American Citizen, even if your name is Mohamed Hussein Omama (O’Mama in Irish?). So, according to the USA idiosyncrasy if you are born in Tunisia or Egypt, for instance, you are Tunisian or Egyptian! Even if your parents were from a European country and they happened to be in Africa or the Middle East on vacation or transferred by their company. Even if your name is MOSES GARCIA! It’s not the blood that counts. It’s the country where you were born! As if every country should think and have laws like we have here in the United States. How ridiculous is this?

Note: Although this is a true story, the names and countries have been changed to avoid hate mail (Hey! We live in a democracy and “Hate Mail” is part of freedom of speech), but mainly to allow at least one more drivers license renewal six years from now. PRL will continue being a registered voter, although the people he votes for are all for themselves and not for him. It is very important to be a member of the herd to enjoy this “democracy”.

"NINEITIS"

If you are still trying to pronounce the title of this article, try no more. It is pronounced NINE-ITIS, or inflamation of the 9 (number 9 ,that is).

Like all poisonous substances there is, fortunately, an antidote to temporarily eliminate "NINEITIS". It is called THE MUTE BUTTON. Unfortunately it only works to eliminate malignant sounds. It does not eradicate the visual part.
You might have guessed it already. I am talking about the cheap, lousy, loud and very often high speed-incomprehensible talk TV commercials, which some times may take up to 30 or 40% of the entire duration of the program you are watching.
Yes, that wonderful little button on your remote control.

All you have to do is press it for the entire duration of the stupid, moronic commercial, advertising a product that costs either 99 cents; or $9.99; or $99.99; or $999.99 and so on and so forth, not to mention the $19.99; $29.99; $39.99, etc. etc. I think you got the idea now.

Of course, this medication does not work on printed ads such as this below.
I personally avoid them by not buying the newspaper or magazine. Believe me I don't miss much reading, considering that almost half of the space in those papers or magazines is occupied by ads. The internet offers me all the reading I can absorbe and I can select the language too.

It seems to me that either these companies completely lack any creativity, or their marketing "geniouses" copy from their equally inept peers, thus creating an annoying invasion of the "9" in our lives. Also, it could be taken as a direct insult to our intelligence, believing that by showing one dollar less (or a penny) we feel we are paying much less.

Wouldn't be more honest and less insulting if a car dealer, for instance, (I chose this one because they are probably one of the most abominable culprits of "NINEITIS") would start advertising a monthly lease for $300, instead of $299? or if one of those screaming commercials (especially when you are finally falling asleep watching your favorite show or whatever) would round up a figure to the nearest 10 (did we learn that in school for nothing? Even Uncle Sam, allows you to do that!).
I think the guy on this picture heard me, but with that look and presence I woud not trust him!

I, for one, use the antidote to the max. My index finger is by far my strongest one pushing that mute button, although the middle one is running a close second when I think of the advertisers that consider us little less than Neanderthals. Hey, even the big oil companies don't mind if gas stations use this "wonderful" strategy of the "9"!

Unfortunately, there is no total cure in sight for this epidemic I call NINEITIS,
because to the advertising companies and the corporations that buy their ideas, we are just cattle. . . .

... A Society Of Sheep. . . .

There are other ways to avoid this bombardment of insults to our intelect. One of them is not to watch TV, although it could be interpreted as ostracism.

I know what you are thinking...How do we avoid "NINEITIS" at a store? We are physically there, no TV, and we see that all price tags are based on the number 9 at the end. We can't avoid it! But we can get even! Simply, pretend you forgot the price when the clerk at the register takes the item to scan it, and ask " How much is that item?". The answer will probably be $99.99 (or whatever with 99 cents). Your immediate reply: " Oh. Thank God! I was worried it would be at least $100!".

Look at his/her face when you say that!

It is priceless!

They are so brainwashed by their company policy that all of a sudden, with the best of our intentions, we have caused a short circuit in their brain!

Side Effects of "NINEITIS" (this is more or less how you get affected with these commercials):

.Vomiting
.Diarrhea
.Constipation
.Headaches
.Menstrual Cramps (ladies only, I hope)
.Blurred Vision
.Drowsiness
.Gambling (maybe?)

SO DO YOURSELF A FAVOR....USE THE MUTE BUTTON!

(Sorry, I can't help you with the visual, unless you want to wear those plastic eye-glasses they give you at the ophtalmologist after he dilutes your pupils for the next 6 hours)